I miss Alley

I guess I don't know how to feel normal now...I really miss my cat. I miss her purring and laying beside me on the couch waiting for my husband to get home from work. I miss her telling me when it was her dinner time...
she was my alarm clock. She knew exactly when it was 4:30 and made sure I knew too.
I miss her running around and her craziness...although that has not been for some time now.
I just miss everything about her.
I took a nap today when Emm did and I woke up with the feeling she was on my shoulder but when I looked she was not there. I cried and cried and I still cry because I miss her so much.
I thought when I had learned about her tumor that I was going to accept it and be ok when the time had come to say goodbye...but I feel like I am not.
I am not ready and it is too late.
She is gone.
I know nobody wants to read this crap but I type it out because it is a way for me to get my feelings out and thank you to anyone who does read it.
I started to paint today and I just feel lost.
I have always painted my Alley cat.
Always..she was the start of my paintings...she was the STAR of my paintings.
Now what do I do?
I started to paint a few things and I decided no black cats will be there...but of course I always paint black cats...so how is this going to work.
My dearest husband tells me to take some time off..but I dont' know how to do that. I have always painted..it is my passion and my love...as was my Alley Cat.
I have thought about getting another kitty but none will replace my Alley so I am not ready to do that just yet.
I feel that Alley will always be my first and only cat ever. Is that normal? I don't know but I know whenever I pick up a paintbrush I still want to paint her...I still want her in my life.